hi click the following link it has the yogi bear song on it down the left hand side and a funny chinese chicken song and lots of other funny items

duffie  
http://humor.beecy.net/  

--Last edited by duffie on 2008-10-03 20:16:13 --

The Karaoke for the Deaf video is brilliant.

see that one ages ago but had lost the link it is brill.

have a look at the lion sleeps tonight as well

Would you like to see what beer drinkers see after a few pints?  Click this link
http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

i like it john reminds me of the wing ding
duffie

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment    

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

The Duck and the Condom  

 Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

   



 Playing Doctor  

 Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

2008's First Christmas Joke  

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,  "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
 

LOTTERY WINNER!
Guy says to his wife-What would you do if l told you i'd just won the lottery? Wife said i'd take half,then leave you! Guy said excellent, l had 3 numbers on Sat night & won a tenner, heres your £5.00p,now ?~+* off.

   



 The President's Puzzle  

 Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

don't give up your day job duffie      

NO please keep them coming.
I've been having a S..t time lately,(parent problems)
So thanx for making me laugh, xx

Here u r mez. Guy was sat in front of the telly n reading his paper when his wife came in n hit him over the head. He said what's that for? "I just found a piece of paper with The blonde bombshell on in your jacket" Quick as a flash he said "oh that was the name of a horse l backed at the weekend" which she accepted. A few days later he was in front of the telly again when she came up behind him & wacked him over the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for" he said.

"YOUR BLOODY HORSE JUST RANG FOR YOU".she said.  Chin up girl. regards Mally

Thanx guys you are all
SIMPLY THE BEST XXXXXX

Yorkshire Chat up lines

Only you guys would appreciate these!!!

 Duz tha fart? Cos tha blows me away.

Ar thi mam n dad retarded? Cos thas special.

Me luv for thee is like shits I just can’t hold it in.

Tha body reminds me of a spanner      Every time I think of you me nuts tighten up.

Tha might not be the best lookin bird in here, but beauty is only just a light switch away.

Is there a mirror in your knickers? Cos I can see meself in em!!!

 An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just  answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
 

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you have said?

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINKSO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'