So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda peed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads.
I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the fairy godmother, "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies, "I don't do willies.
You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother.
He implores her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears.
None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ol' twig and berries.
They remain purple...
He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says,"I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers,that's easy,just follow the yellow dick toad!"

You really need to get out more neil

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
Their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
Seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
Said, 'Land Mines.'


and  the


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto " We love to fly and it shows ".


The woman looks at him blankly.


He sits back and thinks up another line.


He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".


Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.


Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".


The woman looks at him sternly an says " What the f**k do you want ?"


"Ah!" he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy orded a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

----------------------------------------------------------------

 Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'  

--Last edited by geoff on 2009-11-09 22:09:59 --

A Farmer who wanted a divorce went to see a Lawyer
The Lawyer asks "How can I help you?"
Farmer says " I want to get one of them there Dayvorces"
Lawyer..."Do you have grounds?"
Farmer..."Yep I got 40 acres"
Lawyer.. "No, you dont understand. Do you have a suit?"
Farmer..."Yep, I wears it every Sunday for church"
Lawyer..."No!! I mean do you have a case?
Farmer..."Nope, But I got a John Deere
Lawyer..."No!! Do you have a grudge?"
Farmer..."Yep. Thats where I parks my John Deere"
Lawyer..."Does your wife beat you up or anything??
Farmer..."Nope, we both get up at 5:30"
Lawyer is now getting somewhat annoyed and decides to ask one last question and asks "Is your wife a nagger?"
The Farmer replies "No, she's a white girl but the babys a nagger and thats why I want a f**kin dayvorce"